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How to make millions in 5 minutes: ask me how

Written by John (the other John).

Western Capitalism has failed millions of people; perhaps they did not get a good education, or perhaps they actually want to find employment but find it inconvenient because work interferes with their sleep or watching TV or partying all night, or perhaps they just want to stick-it to “whitey” and live off of benefits as a profession. Whatever the reason, capitalism is not for everyone. But how can such a person make serious money without really needing to work for a living? How can a person make big money even in time of recession? Well, here is how!

I conducted a scientific study on this topic, and I heard differing ideas (for which I will discuss below the pros and cons of each).

My first subject on this topic told me a good way to earn serious cash is to rob a bank. Pros: depending on the time of day, a person can make millions. Cons: if the person gets caught, they will go to jail for many years, or they may get shot whilst robbing the bank; either way, this person will get zero sympathy from society or a jury. So the verdict for this idea is a “thumbs down”.

My second subject on this topic said that a good way to make some cash is by making a bogus allegation of racism, perhaps upon their employer OR upon some business establishment. The subject told me that all he has to do is either get hired for a job OR enter a store, and then act like a total @$$h*!€. Then the employer will either terminate him OR the store/police will escort him out; and BAM, lawsuit for racism. Pros: can make serious cash. Cons: tough to prove; he said she said; can have lack of evidence. So the verdict for this idea is a “thumbs down”.

My third subject on this topic said that a good way to make serious cash is a sexual harassment/rape allegation against a superior at a place of employment. She said this involves some upfront costs/investments: thousands of euros/pounds/dollars on cosmetic surgery, a gym membership, spend thousands on seductive clothes, cosmetics, hairstyles, etc… Next, the target-victim cannot be some young good looking guy (as a jury can make the presumption that any such relationship was consensual); instead, the target has to be an older established person (perhaps 55-65 years old) who has an executive title in the company. Next, seduce him; and being that he will be old, the act probably will not last more than 5 minutes (perhaps less). When this occurs, she said that the subject must ensure that she collects evidence: video/audio, text messages, emails, dna samples (use your imagination). Then, allege sexual harassment. Pros: can earn millions in just 5 minutes, plus you can get sympathy from man-hating organizations, not too mention a book/movie deal if you land a famous/powerful man. Cons: this can ruin a career that took decades to establish, it can ruin a family, it can ruin a company; who cares she said! Verdict: “thumbs down”, but she insisted on “thumbs up”. (Also, the subject can be female or male; and the target-victim too can be male or female. After all, this works both ways).

So according to her, whether you are lazy or you are living in time of recession, there is plenty money out there, it’s just in the wrong hands. Let it be yours! (I of course found her methods repulsive  regardless of success level).

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